Loneliness

There is nothing worse than feeling lonely. It’s an empty feeling that pulls you down the more you think about it. It can’t be tamed by loud music, singing in the kitchen, pretending that you are some superstar, nor can it be solved by endless amounts of tv, no matter how good the series is.

What’s worse is being the extroverted introvert that loves her own company and hates people in general but loves to party and dance all night.

It’s a Friday night, I don’t have to get up early and I have no plans- go out and get trashed in the club? Half of me says yes and I am well and truly one foot out of the door, ready to go. Only I can’t make myself leave. I am not even frightened to be social, I am quite content to buy a few drinks and people watch, maybe start a few conversations. What I can’t be bothered to do is initiate any type of human connection with an alien, a foreign body who does not understand who I am and what I like.

And that is my issue. In a nutshell, I strongly dislike the pussyfooting of people around people, them fearing rejection or embarrassment when they accidentally reveal too much. I mean, it takes a certain kind of person to linger in the acquaintance zone, not fully befriending people, if anything that scares me. Although I can see the appeal of lingering in this zone, never getting hurt, never having to try too hard, but surely to take a step into the deep end of the pool is to decide whether to sink or swim.

I have been told that I am all or nothing, and I believe them, If I cannot see why I should put the effort into something, like a friendship or a relationship, then I will not proceed. On the other hand, if I see potential I claw my talons into the skin, grasping onto my prey like a hungry fulcan, wanting, needing the friendship like air.

It’s this overpowering emotion that frightens me. What scares me more is the fear that my prey will abandon me, deciding that I am not worthy of their friendship, leaving and not saying goodbye.

Who knows, a psychoanalyst would probably rip into me about some sort of Freudian issues I have going on or tell me that I need to get over myself but either way I have decided that being all or nothing is not a bad thing, if you get all of me then I will be a viciously loyal friend, protective, and I will love you with all of my heart. And in the end who wouldn’t want a friend like that who cared for them?

I cannot be the only person who longs for a deep human connection to battle the empty lonely feeling inside. When it comes to human connection I would rather take the risk and potentially sail together.

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